Suicide Is a Family Affair

     I was thirteen years old when my grandfather committed suicide.   With all the publicity in recent days about Robin Williams final act, memories return about my grandfather, a morose Italian immigrantwho  never truly adjusted to life in a  Chicago neighborhood where family lived in and around him.

     He called me occu de bugia.  Eyes like a bug.  They were brown like  his.  Pressed quarters in my hand and pinched my cheek.  Who knew what demons rode his shoulders?  His suicide caused a buzz in our neighborhood.  It was messy, shooting hmself in the head with my father resting on the couch in the next room. Woke up screaming, relatives swarming down the stairs in the two flat grandpa owned. he lived alone, my grandmother had died a few years back. his 2 other sons overseas, in the army.

    I wrote a short story about him when I became a writer,  I called it Grandpa's Last Stand.  Hard to understand his deep depression.  No shrinks in those days to talk to, not much of a church goer, even though my grandmother went to mass daily.  For years, I avoided the stairwell where his apartment was, the bullet hole still in the wall.  Eerie.

     My father brooded a lot,  unable to overcome his gambling addiction.  I knew he had a gun somewhere in our house in a new neighborhood. Fearful that he, too, would do this drastic deed.  He never did.  Just lost himself in long shots, beating himself up for his weaknesses,  I loved him so much. Who knew his heart would do him in, a respectable way to go.

     I think about Robbin Williams family now.  I wonder if they worry about each other.  About themselves.

   Years ago,I suffered a deep depression.  Fortunately, resources were available to help me through it,Mentors, counsellors, church, faith, meds that worked,  And my unfailing sense of humor that crept back into my life.

    We never know what others are grapling with, when kindness and love is all we can offer.

     My guru visited me this week and had me write this sentence down and repeated it myself often.  I share it here with you.  "May I be forgiven for any harm I may have casused  conciously or unconsciously."   It resonates with me.  It works if you work it.

     So Says Sassy