One of my favorite books is The Christian Agnostic, by Leslie Weatherhead. Lately, in my wondering and wandering through memories, I get bogged down in more questions than answers, and I puzzle over scriptual truths.
Along comes Leslie to tell me not to fuss over doubts and worries, he said to put them up on a shelf, and label it "Awaiting Further Light." Easy for him to say, I think, struggling with my over loaded shelf.
I want to know if Des sees me through the clouds. Does he hear my sniffles, listen to me talk to our cats? Does he know I can't find his ashes, saved in a heart shaped silver container by our bed. I keep searching. It has to be here. My mother always prayed to the patron saint of missing objects, St. Anthony. I have Tony on speed dial. No luck so far.
Another thing, has Des hooked up with his family who must have been excited to see him. Or is excitement not a heavenly term? I told him on the day he died, when he was still responding to my voice, to save a place for me up there. I meant it.
He told me a few months ago that he would miss me when he was gone. Is that possible? All I know for sure is that he inhabits my thoughts a lot in supermarkets because I bypass his favorite treats, and I am undone in church sometimes when I look up at the stained glass picture and see him peering over the shoulder of Jesus.
Gabriel, our grandson in New York set my heart at peace the other day on the phone, when I told him it hard been a tough week, at least in my thought patterns.
Gabe said, "I know one thing for sure, Gramps wants you to be happy." Thank for the reminder, Gabe.
So says Sassy
Remember, you can tell me when you are having a particularly tough time, mom. I will always be here for you. And I think Gabe is right. Have you asked the cats where they have taken their new toy, (dad's ashes in the heart),? They miss him too and maybe are trying to find a way to be close to him and interact with him again. Look into the sunrise or sunset, dad is there, feel that breeze? Dad is brushing by. See those butterflies? Dad sent them so you could still feel connected. Do you have some Irish Spring or that other stuff he wore...Old Spice? Put a little on something that was his, or not and when you need to, take time to be alone, smell the scents of dad and you will probably feel so close to him and cry some of the most healing tears you could ever cry.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps.
Love, your daughter,
Robbin